130-150 Character SmS, Funky Jokes 2011

?As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

?She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

?She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

?About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

?He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

?She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

?She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

?He's tighter than a photo finish.

?He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

?He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.

?He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

?He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.

?Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

?As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

?It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

?She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

?You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

?She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

?As rare as a Blonde virgin

?I've seen more hair on a billiard ball

?He's as camp as a row of tents

?I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

?They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

?As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

?You could park a bike on that bum

?He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

?He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

?Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

?About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

?They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

?Lights on, door open, nobody at home

?As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

?He's as bent as a butchers hook

?He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

?About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

?About as subtle as a flying brick

?She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum







?She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

?As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

?She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

?About as interesting as watching paint dry

?Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard?I've seen better hands on a clock

?As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

?He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

?She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

?As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

?She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

?She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

?She's as fit as a butchers dog

?She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

?As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

?His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

?Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

?As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks

?As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

?This guy is all foam, no beer.

?As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

?About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

?A legend in his own mind...

?He's an expert on padded cells.

?He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!